Chapter 592 ~ 200510

Teo Huat Neo

21 June 1922 - 10 May 2010

My beloved Ah Ma passed away last Monday.

A week or so before that, I could see that Ah Ma is becoming weaker and weaker. She used to be able to scratch herself, but during the 2nd week of May, I noticed that she was not able to do the normal scratching, instead her hands could only like tremble on the itchy spot. I knew that things were not looking good. Doctors and counselors kept asking us to be prepared, saying that she is doing downhill. Hence, I have been staying home to pay extra attention to her in case anything happens. I kept talking to her in the afternoons, updating her with what everyone is doing and also made a final sms to tell everyone to visit her.

On Saturday 8th May, I was at the airport with Bee and the gang for dinner and coffee then I reached home about 3am. Roka told me that Ah Ma fell from the bed cos she was turning and turning just minutes before I stepped into the house. I checked her and found she had a little bump on the head. Applied Zambak and told Roka to keep a lookout in the morning for any signs of vomiting or so. I found her hands to be limp .. like no resistance when I hold .. I thought it might be because she was sleeping, but I was also afraid she might have slipped into a coma ..

Called the nurse the next morning and told her what happened and told her my worry cos Ah Ma has been sleeping and I haven't been able to get any response from her at all. Nurse was able to make a trip down shortly and she said Ah Ma seems to be in semi-coma state. She said she'll consult the doctor and see if he has any further instructions. But overall her BP and everything still seems stable.

Monday morning the nurse called me and said doctor advised to send Ah Ma to hospital to do a scan. This is just in case anything happens to her and the doctor might not want to sign the death memo as they might suspect foul play. So she arranged for the counselor to send a memo for me to bring to the A&E doctor. The counselor came about an hour later and advised the same thing. Then he said Ah Ma seems peaceful in her current state. After he left, I proceed to call the private ambulance to arrange for them to pick us up. Earliest time available was 4pm.

At 12.30pm, I saw Roka sponging Ah Ma and went in to help her, cos in her current stage, it's quite difficult to move her about. We helped to clean her and change her in a fresh set of clothes and I just talked to Ah Ma somemore. I noticed that her breathing today was getting weaker. Previously you could see her taking deep breaths, but today, her breathing is really shallow and light. Sigh. After that I went back to my room to do my stuff. Then close to 2pm, Roka wanted to feed Ah Ma and asked me to help in shifting her to the chair. I went in and saw like Ah Ma seemed still. I tried to see if she was breathing but it was difficult to judge if she wasn't or she was just breathing lightly. Used the stethoscope also couldn't hear, tried to fund her pulse on the neck and wrist also couldn't. I tried to remember all the ways which the counselor told me and also used the tissue method also couldn't find her pulse or breath. Started to panic. Went to find Dad who was just going to go out and told him "Daddy, can you please check Ah Ma, I can't find her pulse" and burst out crying. Daddy went in and called "Nya!" He tried to find her pulse also, but failed. In the meantime, I called the Doctor and told him about my suspicion and he said that he'll be there in an hour. Daddy had gone to take a small mirror to put at Ah Ma's nose and then he told me "Yah, she's not breathing" Me and Roka then burst out crying. But I had no time to grieve as there are so many things to settle. I called Fann and Bee and told them. I then called my brothers and told him while crying. Both were stunned and kept quiet for a long time.

I am quite surprised at myself cos I remembered all that the counselor said and did accordingly. Switched on the aircon to keep the body cool. Called the doctor. Heard my dad calling outside and when I stepped out of the room, I saw he was crying too. Roka and myself kept crying in the room and I spoke to Ah Ma for the last time and gave her a kiss on the cheek for the final time too.

Ah Kor was the first to reach and she was hysterical. Kept crying and saying to Ah Ma "Mummy, I love you". I had to comfort her at the same time and had to appear strong. She kept by Ah Ma's bedside and kept talking to her. Then 1 by 1 the uncles arrived and Fann also rushed back. Everyone had a chance to see Ah Ma for the last time. Only the 2nd uncle was the last to reach. Even the undertakers came liao, he still on the MRT train! Can you believe it! Taking a train! O.M.G. everyone was like "Why still taking train!" Speechless.

The next few hours happened so fast and in a blur. We had to choose the coffin. Had to set up the place. Had to oversee the drinks, clothes, flowers, photos and many many more. That is why I said I have no time to grieve. Everything was handled by Fann and myself.

When they send Ah Ma back after dressing her up and everything and we saw her for the first time in the coffin. I couldn't take it. Really broke down like hell. And the most annoying thing? The cauliflower head pulled me away from the coffin and said "Ah Ma had a good life with you taking care of her already. Dun be sad anymore" WTF do you mean Ah Ma got good life?! She didn't at all! You dare to say this sentence without feeling ashamed? All Ah Ma wanted was just to see her family more often, but did any of you bothered to visit her? NOT AT ALL. YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOUR FUCKING SELF.

The first night of the funeral who 守夜? Me and Fann. Not a single man stayed. Well, my dad offered, but I told him to go back rest. 2nd night was my dad and 2nd uncle. 3rd night was my dad, 2nd uncle and myself. Last night was 3rd uncle family, my 大哥, my dad and myself. Do your calculations, see who never.

My 二哥 and family managed to rush back on Wednesday morning despite my dad telling them it's ok not to make the long trip back. Oh come on, this will be the last time Ah Ma can see them and vice versa and you're saying not to trouble them to come back? Thank goodness my 二嫂 said no and must come back to pay last respect to Ah Ma. Even my brother's boss also damn knn. Don't allow him to come back cos company very busy. My brother had to promise to submit his work and coordinate things even though he is back. HEARTLESS PEOPLE!

大哥 on the other hand only came back on the last night and was alone. IMHO, I think the wife should be back to pay her respect cos Ah Ma really doted on them both and it's the least they could do. But.. I will not say more cos as long as 大哥 is back.

5 days passed in a flash and sending Ah Ma off on her final journey is really heartbreaking.

I still find it so hard to believe that Ah Ma is gone. She has always been my top priority for the last few years and now that she's not here, I feel so lost. I walk past her room, expecting to still see her sitting on the bed watching TV, but she's no longer there. I know it's too late to regret anything, but at the same time, I believe Ah Ma felt my love for her. Even though she might not be with me physically, I know she's watching over me and she will always be in my heart.

I wanna thank the following people for walking with me through this difficult time.

Fann - luckily you were around to help with so many things, otherwise I would be more lost.

Bee - thank you for coming down every night and giving me your support.

Edna, Meilian, [X] - thank you all for coming down and keeping me company till so late and [X] for sending Ah Ma off on her last journey

Kris - really appreciate you coming down every night and helping to fold the joss paper too

Ju, Matt, Vanessa, Choong, Ruby & Adrian, Joanne, Ivan, Zhihui, Sok Yan, Huiying, Jess (who even came alone), Charmaine (even though she was in HKG, she sent her concern through Choong) - Thank you all for coming to pay respect to Ah Ma

And also a big thanks to Ah Toh and all of Fann's friends and colleagues ..

I might have left some people out, but from the bottom of my heart .. THANK YOU ALL

Ah Ma, I love you so much ...