I don't think that I have done my best as a grand-daughter. I have failed my Ah Ma. When she was healthy and well, I did not do my duties as a grand-daughter to bring her out for good meals, for shopping in the new shopping centers, nor did I bring her for any holidays. Why do I wait till now to regret not doing all these things? It's too late isn't it? She's now weak and unable to walk. She's on tube and not too keen to eat much orally. Why? Even her eye sight is deteriorating and she can't even see me clearly. She recognizes me by my voice. I feel really like a failure. Even though we did bring her out for meals once in a while, but still there are so many things I would like to share with her. I feel so shit. I wish I could bring her out for shopping. I wish I could bring her on holiday to all the places that she has never been before. I wish I could share with her everything that is happening in my life right now. My Ah Ma has never once pressured me to get married or to bring anyone home for her to see. She would always tell me, it's better to be single cos you can do anything you wanted and go any place.
I still remember the first time I saw the word "FUCK" was downstairs my old place. My parents were walking in front of me and I saw the word sprayed on the void deck wall. I asked them what the word meant and they just brushed me off without any explaination. I still thought I might have pronounced it wrongly and was silently reading to myself "D-U-C-K ... F-U-C-K" Correct ah. But I didn't ask them again. So when I reached my Ah Ma house, I immediately asked her "Ah MA, what does fuck means?" And she explained that it was a bad word used to scold people and it meant when a boy sleep with a girl. How cool is my Ah Ma?
Know why my Ah Ma english so good? Not only was she a beautiful Peranakan lady during her younger days, she was also an IJ Convent girl. This also explains why I was sent to IJ Convent. Whenever people ask why I went to IJ since I wasn't a catholic, I've always felt proud to tell them it was because my Ah Ma was also an IJ girl.
Sister Ong was good today. Inserted the tube without making Ah Ma feel too uncomfortable. Just feel a sudden surge of emotions. Feel that I have really let my Ah Ma down. I just want her to be happy and not to suffer. I dunno how else to make it up to her. I really hope she would get stronger and regain the appetite to eat so that I can still bring her out for good meals at least.
Sigh. Feeling so damn emo. Can't stop crying. Dunno why.
I still remember the first time I saw the word "FUCK" was downstairs my old place. My parents were walking in front of me and I saw the word sprayed on the void deck wall. I asked them what the word meant and they just brushed me off without any explaination. I still thought I might have pronounced it wrongly and was silently reading to myself "D-U-C-K ... F-U-C-K" Correct ah. But I didn't ask them again. So when I reached my Ah Ma house, I immediately asked her "Ah MA, what does fuck means?" And she explained that it was a bad word used to scold people and it meant when a boy sleep with a girl. How cool is my Ah Ma?
Know why my Ah Ma english so good? Not only was she a beautiful Peranakan lady during her younger days, she was also an IJ Convent girl. This also explains why I was sent to IJ Convent. Whenever people ask why I went to IJ since I wasn't a catholic, I've always felt proud to tell them it was because my Ah Ma was also an IJ girl.
Sister Ong was good today. Inserted the tube without making Ah Ma feel too uncomfortable. Just feel a sudden surge of emotions. Feel that I have really let my Ah Ma down. I just want her to be happy and not to suffer. I dunno how else to make it up to her. I really hope she would get stronger and regain the appetite to eat so that I can still bring her out for good meals at least.
Sigh. Feeling so damn emo. Can't stop crying. Dunno why.
No comments:
Post a Comment